BREAKING: Monsanto acquires 47th Ave Farm

In a surprise move timed to break after U.S. equity markets closed, the agricultural/chemical giant Monsanto today acquired a controlling interest in Portland’s 47th Avenue Farm. A purchase price was not immediately disclosed, but insiders privy to the negotiations believe it will be in the neighborhood of $1.2 billion.

In making the announcement before a stunned crew in the Farm’s southeast Portland driveway, Monsanto CEO Hugh Grant took great pains to underline the synergies between the world’s largest purveyor of genetically modified crops, and this small, organic farm. “You’re organic, and anyone exposed to our marketing thinks we are as well. You’re responsible stewards of the earth, and we’re great exploiters of it. With your good reputation greenwashing our nefarious deeds, no one can stop us.” Cackling madly, he then whipped his cape over a bony shoulder and disappeared in a fog of RoundUp.

47th Avenue Farm owner Laura Masterson was not available for comment, but witnesses did catch a glimpse of the new billionaire sneaking out the back door into a shiny new Hummer with 28 of her dogs.

A Monsanto spokesperson said Farm shareholders’ shares are expected to swap 30-1 for Monsanto Class A stock — which, sadly, is not nearly as tasty and may cause cancer. On the plus side, cockroaches won’t go near it.